At first glance, “Speak Ill of No One” feels almost too simple to matter. Yet, in How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie presents it as one of the most powerful principles for building influence and winning people over. In the book, Carnegie mentions how Charles Schwab used this principle effectively—not by overpowering others with authority, but by mastering his reactions and words.
Despite its simplicity, this principle is one of the hardest to follow in real life. Speaking ill of no one is not just about controlling your words; it is about managing your ego. And, as we all know, the ego does not like to be controlled.
With a slight shift in perspective, however, this principle becomes far more practical—and far more humane.
Why “Speak Ill of No One” Is So Hard to Practice
Most people don’t struggle with kindness in theory; they struggle with it in moments of emotional friction. When someone behaves rudely, unfairly, or irrationally, our instinct is to react—to judge, criticise, argue, or mentally label them as “wrong”.
The difficulty in adopting this principle lies in one word: expectation.
We expect others to understand us.
We expect them to behave maturely.
We expect them to respond the way we would react.
When these expectations are broken, frustration follows. And frustration often turns into criticism—spoken or unspoken.
Ego: The Hidden Driver Behind Criticism
At the core of speaking ill of others is ego. Ego demands recognition, validation, and fairness. It wants the world to abide by its internal rulebook.
When someone violates that rulebook, the ego feels attacked. And once the ego feels attacked, it looks for defence mechanisms—argument, judgment, sarcasm, or moral superiority.
Ironically, the moment we criticise others for being immature, our own maturity begins to crumble.
Expectations and the Selective Forgiveness We Practice
There is an interesting contradiction in how we judge people.
We forgive children easily.
We excuse their tantrums, mistakes, and irrational behaviour because we believe they “don’t know better.”
But when it comes to adults, our forgiveness shrinks dramatically.
We assume that age automatically brings emotional intelligence, self-control, and wisdom. When adults fail to meet this assumption, we label them as careless, arrogant, or toxic.
What we forget is something deeply human: every adult carries a child within.
The Child That Never Leaves Us
Every person—regardless of age—has moments when they don’t know how to react. Fear, insecurity, confusion, and past conditioning can all trigger childish behaviour.
Raised voices, defensive reactions, stubbornness, emotional outbursts—these are not always signs of bad character. Often, they are signs of someone who feels overwhelmed or threatened.
Just like a child who throws a tantrum because they lack the tools to process emotions, adults sometimes react poorly because they lack emotional clarity in that moment.
Understanding this single truth can dramatically reduce the urge to speak ill of others.
Behaviour is Shaped, Not Chosen in Isolation
People are products of their upbringing, environment, and life experiences. Their reactions are shaped by what they were taught, what they witnessed, and what they survived.
This does not mean harmful behaviour should be justified—but it does mean it should be understood before it is judged.
When we realise that someone’s behaviour is not about us but about them, our emotional charge weakens. Compassion replaces irritation. Distance replaces conflict.
And once compassion enters the picture, criticism quietly exits.
Maturity Is Revealed in Reaction, Not Provocation
It is easy to stay calm when everything goes our way. Real maturity appears when we are provoked.
If we react violently—emotionally or verbally—then our own maturity is in question, not the other person’s. Speaking ill of someone does not elevate us; it exposes our inability to regulate ourselves.
True strength lies in restraint.
True confidence lies in silence.
True maturity lies in choosing peace over proving a point.
Why Arguing Rarely Leads to Peace
Arguments are rarely about truth. Most of the time, they are about ego.
Each side wants to be heard, validated, and “right.” Very few arguments end with changed minds. More often, they end with bruised relationships and lingering resentment.
That is why Dale Carnegie emphasised avoiding criticism and argument—not because people are always right, but because arguments rarely produce the results we hope for.
Sometimes, the wisest move is not engagement, but disengagement.
Walking Away Is Not Weakness
There is an old saying: It is better to walk away from a dog than to try to confront it.
This does not mean the dog is bad. It simply means confrontation will not bring understanding—only injury.
Similarly, not every situation deserves your explanation, correction, or reaction. Walking away protects your peace. Silence preserves your dignity.
Avoidance, when chosen consciously, is not cowardice. It is intelligence.
A Practical Way to Adopt “Speak Ill of No One”
The discipline “Speak ill of No One” does not mean suppressing emotions or tolerating abuse. It means choosing inner discipline over outward reaction.
A simple mental shift helps:
- Replace expectation with observation
- Replace judgment with understanding
- Replace reaction with distance
This principle is not about becoming morally superior. It is about mastering yourself before attempting to manage others.
Also read: Sweet Pain: Why Embracing Struggle Is the Key to a Meaningful Life
Conclusion: This Principle Is About You, Not Others
“Speak ill of no one” is not a rule to control society—it is a tool to refine character.
When you stop expecting emotional maturity from everyone, disappointment loses its grip. When you understand the childish side of human behaviour, forgiveness becomes easier. And when you stop reacting to every provocation, peace becomes natural.
In the end, this principle is less about winning people over—and more about winning over your own ego.
And that is the hardest victory of all.